Thursday Mar 28

RamsellBilly Billy Ramsell was born in Cork in 1977 and educated at the North Monastery and UCC.  Complicated Pleasures, his first collection, was published by the Dedalus Press, Dublin, in 2007.   He has been shortlisted for a Hennessy award and a Strong award.  He has been invited to read his work at many festivals around the world, most recently in Shanghai and in San Francisco.  He lives in Cork, where he co-runs an educational publishing company. 
---------
 


Your call is important to us
 
 
This may be recorded for the purposes of training and quality control.
Which of the following most closely describes the purpose of your call?
 
Please choose from one of the following options:
To learn more about our products and services please say 'sales enquiry'.
 
To apply for an upgrade to your equipment please say 'upgrade enquiry'.
To check the status of an existing order please say 'order enquiry'.
 
To check the status of your account or make a payment please say 'bill enquiry'.
To report a fault with your equipment please say 'fault report'.
 
To speak to one of our operators at any time just say 'assistance'.
I'm sorry I didn't understand you. I'm sorry I didn't understand you.  Please choose
 
from one of the following options:  To learn more about our products
and services please say 'sales enquiry'. To apply for an upgrade
 
to your I'm sorry I didn't understand you. I'm sorry I didn't
Your call is important to us. Please hold while I try to connect you.
 
Your call is important to us. Please hold while I try to connect you.
Your call is important to us. Please hold while I try to connect you.
 
Your call is I'm sorry assistance is not available at this time.
Please choose from one of the following options:
 
To learn more about our products and services please say 'sales enquiry'.
To apply for an upgrade to your You are now in the fault report menu.
 
To return to the main menu at any time say 'main menu'.
To report a fault with the NET-CO please say 'NET-CO'.
 
To report a fault with the NET-OSN please say 'NET-OSN'.
To report a fault with the NET-AS.IS please say 'NET-AS.IS'
 
To receive this information again say 'options'.
Your call is I'm sorry I didn't You are now in the emergency menu.
 
Which of the following most closely describes the nature of your emergency?
If your emergency relates to the 6363 protocol please say '6363'.
 
If your fault emergency to the ENVOY protocol please say 'ENVOY'.
If your emergency relates to I'm sorry assistance is not available at this time.
 
You are still in the emergency menu. To receive this information
again say I'm sorry I didn't understand you.
 
You are still in the emergency menu
Speak now if you do not wish to receive this information.
 
 
 
What normal people do
 
 
They know. They know, believe me, and they're coming.
What you just gonna sit and wait for their iron boots out on the staircase?
 
You better start thinking about the window or the pillbox, charlie.
They're gonna do a right little number on you.
 
See they know everything mate, got it all nicely down on file,
got all the dates, data and locations circling their mainframes
 
like fish in a fucking barrel. It's all zeros and ones, innit?
Think you can get just shut of your entire history just like that?
 
Their eyes. You can't so much as back a charring cross without them knowing about it.
Oh they got a file on you long as that skinny arm you can't stop wanking with.
 
You just gonna sit there? You plank. You flange. You fucking child.
They're gonna pull your soul right out of your nostrils if you're lucky, me old china,
 
out of your eye-holes if you're not. It's waking surgery. They spread you.
They extend you. It just goes on and on. Pray they're not smiling. You don't want them smiling.
 
Oh my word could that be them? Yeah. They're almost silent this time as if they’re barely
touching carpet.
But is that them outside wafting up the apples? You just gonna sit there?
 
Can't you hear the dust start squirming, the spiders skittering across the steps to get away from
them?
Yeah you oughtta be shaking, charlie. They know. They remember everything.
 
I can almost feel your locks unbolting one by one to let them in.
Their eyes. It never finishes. Their blank, magnetic faces.
 
 
---------